Tuesday, August 14, 2012

for my little girl

I remember rocking you to sleep when you were small enough to fit in the length of my arm. Evenings were my favorite times. It was just you and I, and so very quiet. I can't describe the peace I felt holding you, knowing that I was the one responsible for the whole of you. That in my arms rested a sweet, precious little person who would grow up to be anything. And my everything.

I always sang to you. Something I had made up. A little melody and words for only your ears. And you would look at me so intently. Like I was someone special. And, I cannot deny, I needed that. Needed it more than I even realized at the time.

You have always made me feel special. To think I had a hand in bringing such a beautiful baby into the world made me feel a little more important. More needed. More loved. And the love I felt, for you, from you, was more than anything I had known before. So amazingly unconditional. And I marveled at it, especially when we would rock in the chair together, just us two.

One night, and I'll never forget it, you started humming to me. The same little tune I had sang to you for seven months while we rocked in that very chair. I was in awe. After all, you really weren't very old to have memorized the tune. But there you were, humming it back to me. The same song I sang to you to make you feel loved and safe. And it occurred to me that I wasn't at all sure anymore if I was making you feel loved and safe, or if you were doing it for me. All the months I had held you, cherishing our special evening time together, you were actually the one holding me. Holding me together while other things unravelled around me. Providing me a peace that kept me whole. For with you there to love and depend on me, I couldn't fall apart. You were my reason for strength, when it would have been easier to have given up.

My baby girl, I cannot thank you enough. For being my saving angel, just by being born. One day, when you are grown, when you understand better the things that happen in a woman's heart, and understand that two people together can simply go so very wrong, I hope you will know how much you gave me when I had nothing else. And I pray that I return to you each day of your life the love you showed to me when I needed it most.

Happy seventh birthday Keara. My darling baby girl. Forever the light of my life.

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